What’s Left

[From the perspective of Niki]
In a normal cell, a normal mind has a shot at staying in tact.
In solitary confinement, a slim shot.
In what they put me through, a normal mind dissolves,
is fed to the dogs.
My sweet fallen guardian angel,
insanity –
bred itself;
a parasite that keeps its host alive so it has something to cling to;
to feed and feed off of.
I was born the first day I entered that cell block and the TV flickered on.
Born because every atom, every circuit, every ill willed suit and tie and soul that tied me to the world above was erased as fast as me.
Xeroxed for the enjoyment of everyone to play along and pretend that I wasn’t gone.
To see me and waive hello is to sing a corporate jingle,
composed to keep the peace to spread and seep and multiply and make you forget you’re singing the tune they want you to sing until the whimsical progression has become routine
background noise and you can’t remember a time before;
when it wasn’t there
and the quiet you imagine experiencing without it is cold and uncomfortable and awkward and leaves you squirming and gasping for instruction and direction and purpose
to fill the void
so that it may let the shoppers forget what they might own.
For the future,
what they might own tomorrow
is the only noble goal.
How quickly they adapted.
“Niki, are you alright?
Niki Why weren’t you at work?
Niki why don’t you remember a moment from your childhood that’s not posted on social media or on public government record?
Niki is that motor oil dripping from your eyes!?”
And the ever so soooothing answers came:
“Yes. I’m fine.
Must have overslept.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.”
— Brand-name Knock-off of me!
Or was she? She certainly did me to a T.
I lost my mind the first day.
Ever since then, I’ve been scurrying, crawling and wandering, scrubbing myself bloody,
picking up the pieces but my skull is cracked and leaks my dreams into the waking moments
so I can’t hold it all in at once and every time I get close to reclaiming something I think I knew
I think I know
more falls through.
The cracks widen.
The past became the slipperiest thing I know — I knew.
I never screamed to them because I knew no one was listening.
It was enough for them to know that I was where I could not be heard.
They didn’t need to witness my mind unbind itself.
I was born the moment they shut the door.
I cannot say I am here because I am strong.
And I can’t say that I survived or that I AM a Survivor.
Because I’m not.
I failed to survive and failed again and again and again.
I died.
I gave up and lost hope and broke every deal I made with myself and promised every ounce of my blood and spirit to false idols that I forced myself to believe in then scratched out those beliefs over and over but every one left its mark:
some moment of weakness that seemed important so long ago.
I did not survive.
There was no prevailing message of hope or destiny and I Never thought it was for me to decide whether I lived or died.
When I cried I cried to no one, not even myself.
I began to wonder if I wasn’t the nightmare daydream of the me on the screen.
Some horrid hallucination she put behind her when she left for work in the morning.
I hoped I was gnawing at her brain so maybe she could feel at least one thread being pulled out of place from the other side, my side of the screen, the tattered unseen un-spun revery I’d become.
But she was perfect – It was perfect.
Taught and strong and perfect.
These days, I find myself needing to step outside into the cold, analog air,
naked and unobserved and let the blood warm weeds twist their roots through me and grip the topsoil of my brain.
I need to open up the wounds to know that I am real because NO ONE who is real could still be sane after that. Sometimes I need to be a heroine or a villain because It wouldn’t have the guts or brains to.
I need to flip like a switch and attack irrationally because it’s not like me.
It’s not like me.
It will never be like it was.
I will never be like I was.
It will always be like I was.
I can never be like I was.
It was like I never was.
I died and died and died.
And I am still alive.